To My Ex,
I hope that you are doing as well as possible. I am. My days are filled with giggles, “Please stop”, hugs, hide and seek, messes, and love. Your days are full of guards, bars, a strict schedule, and always being watched.
I wrote to you and told you that I forgive you, and I do. I also told you that it was over between us and I meant it. Not because other people coerced me, because it is the right thing for me and mostly for our daughter.
You see, the night that we got pregnant (do you remember it? I do. I felt loved, beautiful and safe in the arms of a man who would treasure my heart) my life changed. I was no longer able to live for myself. Another life depended upon my choices. Giving birth didn’t change how much she needs me.
Just because you didn’t carry her it doesn’t mean she didn’t need you just as much as she needs me. Girls need their dad to teach them so much. Not just how to mow the lawn, change a tire, deal with a clogged toilet or re-shingle a roof. Any parent can teach those life skills.
No, having a Dad is important to teach a girl how she should demand to be treated by her future husband. What example did you give her? You showed by your actions that it is ok for horny men to take advantage of naive girls. You taught her that sneaky is ok. You taught her that women are objects and even in marriage her heart isn’t safe.
All that I can forgive as she and I turn to Christ and allow Him to show us how a woman should be treated.
You did teach her some tough but valuable lessons. You taught her that she is resilient and can survive and even laugh during the trials of life. You taught her that only God is 100% dependable and loyal, so run to Him, pursue Him. You taught her to forgive and pray for those whom hurt her. I am sincerely and deeply thankful that she is so sweet natured and leaning valuable lessons.
We pray for you nightly. We pray that you are safe. We pray that you are seeking after Jesus in a true sincere way this time and not just for looks to get the girl you want, but that your faith is a deeply rooted tree. We pray that you are able to share Jesus in the dark place you reside.
I am not angry anymore. I am sad. I am sad that your life choices put you away. I am sad that you hurt so many people all to satisfy a fleeting desire. I am sad that while the lessons were valuable, our daughter had to learn them so early in life.
I admit I loved being married. I loved the closeness I thought we shared. I loved having someone to snuggle at night, to cook for, to be 100% me around, no masks, no fears, just me. I loved YOU, the you that I thought you were.
Yet, I want you to know I am fine. I am learning how to teach our daughter what she needs to know. I have also learned how to reach out to a segment of society that is often scorned or ignored. Those with incarcerated family members. It isn’t a group anyone wants to join, yet it brings with it a sense of protection. Our loved ones didn’t take of us, so we take care of each other. You gave me this group.
I am sorry that you will miss out watching your daughter grow up. She is an amazing kid.
I am not sorry that we are far away, that we have distance. While I HAVE forgiven you, I could never trust you again with my heart or especially with our daughter. She is most precious. You forgot that, you forgot that you are just as much a parent as I am. You gave us up the night you sinned.
I am not sorry for any measures needed to protect her. God has entrusted her to my care and I plan to do my best, even to my dying breath to train her to love and serve Jesus, to protect her, to love her, to teach her to be caring, responsible, a good friend to all and to hear her giggle as much as possible. I am kind, I am sweet, you know me. I am also her Mama Bear.
She is fine, we are moving on to the next season on the calendar, but also in our lives. The season of Dad has closed, but not with animosity, bitterness, hatred, grudges or un-forgiveness. It has closed with a wish that things were different, with prayers of protection and with brotherly love for a man we hope we will see in eternity. You gave up so much. Good-bye.
To my Snowflake: the next season is going to be as full of new adventures, growth, learning and seeking God as the last. I am blessed to be your Mom and eagerly anticipate what is ahead. I love you forever and ever, to infinity and beyond and Jesus loves you MORE!